Do You Hear What I Hear?
““If you want to stand out as a leader, a good place to begin is by listening.””
Listening is the path to influence, because it enables you to connect with other people, and collect data about their perceptions, opinions, beliefs, and attitudes. All of which makes listening is a primary skill that every change agent must learn and improve. But of course most of us are too busy to listen. We have things to do, emails to read, Angry Birds to play. (Ok, maybe that’s just me.)
Lots of us think we are listening to those around us, but we’re mostly just thinking about ourselves. We might be distracted by what just happened before, or what we have to do next. Or we may be strip-mining the conversation to find an idea or word that allows us to hijack the discussion and refocus attention on what we want to talk about, or the story we want to tell.
Not listening is a worldwide epidemic. Many of us glance at our watches or check our phones during even the most intimate conversations. When I interview people in their offices, I often notice them peek at their computers, click their keyboards, or shuffle papers.
Many of us start not listening from the very moment we meet someone new. I can’t count the number of people who tell me, “I can’t remember names.” Which makes me think, “I wonder why you’re not listening when people tell you their names.”
What the listening-deprived people of the world need is a helpful taxonomy to make sense of what’s happening. Of the many classification systems that exist, I like Stephen R. Covey’s Listening Continuum, from his best-seller 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,which groups listening modes into five levels:
Level 1: Ignoring, the active and willful refusal to pay attention to you as you speak. Being ignored by someone to whom you’re talking can be read as an act of aggression, which is why it can prompt an emotional backlash.
Level 2: Pretend listening, in which one person sends mixed signals, acting as if he/she is listening while there attention is truly elsewhere. Although you might observe head nods, and an occasional word of agreement, you might also see a glazed look on their face, and/or responses that really aren’t appropriate to what you’re saying.
Level 3: Selective listening, in which the listener pays attention to parts of what you’re saying, but disconnects from everything else. A Level 3 listener might interrupt often, or finish your sentences. Or they might push the conversation to their own purposes with challenges like, “What’s your point?”
Level 4: Attentive listening is the other person’s offer of their time and attention without deep interest or reflection about your perspective or experiences. By failing to put themselves in your shoes, the Level 4 listener stays physically present with you without offering emotional connection (empathy) and or intellectual connection (understanding).
Level 5: Empathetic listening, in which the listener hears not only your words and ideas, but also experiences the emotional and intellectual meaning of your situation. An empathetic listener might be quiet for long periods as they reflect on your circumstance, and might mirror emotions and ideas that you express as the speaker.
How often do you listen at Level 5? Sometimes? Occasionally? Never? A little empathetic listening can be transformative in a relationship, and holds the key to building strong ties. But let’s be honest: It also entails an investment of energy, patience, and attention that most of us can’t muster on a regular basis.
For me, the challenge of listening is the challenge of patience. I am often quick to respond when I hear something compelling, and I can be rapidly seduced by the wisdom or pithiness of what I want to say next. I am slowly learning to hold my tongue for 15 seconds longer, and then 30 seconds, and then see what emerges. It turns out that I can’t listen and talk at the same time, and that listening just a little longer can open up unexpected new avenues for connection.
The goal for a change agent isn’t to stay at Level 5 every hour of every day. We all use our lower levels of listening to filter out meaningless drivel and tiresome people, and to conserve our energy for moments and relationships that matter.
Anyone can learn to be a better listener. Start by trying to stay in the moment. When you find your attention drifting to the future or the past, force yourself back into the “here and now.” Focus on the person with whom you’re talking. Pay attention to what is being said, how the conversation is conducted, and the feelings that emerge for you. Making note of the different levels of listening will help you make informed choices about where to invest your attention, practice your skills when you need them, and focus your listening when it matters the most.
