Relationships are Foundational
““Good plans don’t change systems. People do.””
Individuals – people – are the drivers of every action and every change in every organization. Sometimes we work alone, and sometimes we work in coordination with others. Often we work in highly structured teams like companies or countries, some of which can include thousands or even millions of other people. But even when we function as a huge aggregation, nothing would happen without innumerable individuals taking individual incremental actions.
The complexity of the modern world and the pervasiveness of bureaucratic systems can delude us into perceiving that organizations are doing things, or that the status quo is protected by immutable rules and unshakeable customs. But regardless of how mechanical and inhuman these forces may seem, each is an artifact of the ever-present choices and actions (and inactions) of a myriad of individuals.
Individuals do the work, so we as individuals have the power to bring about change. But you can’t operate alone. Building deep relationships with those around you leverages and multiplies your individual power.
Our connections are essential to the process of change, yet lots of us don’t tend to focus on our relationships in our professional spheres. For many, the work world is a place more defined as “things to do” rather than “relationships to build.” We are so busy with the task before us that we overlook the people with whom we do it.
I get it: We are hired by our bosses to get things done. Job descriptions are filled to the brim with “required duties,” and at the end of the year, many of us will receive evaluations (and possibly our raises or bonuses) based on how well we completed all of our tasks.
This focus on action is fine as far as it goes, but for those who aspire to create change, it doesn’t go far enough. Completing everything on your To Do list makes you a competent follower, and perhaps a capable manager; establishing deeper relationships can help make you a leader and an agent of change.
Most professional relationships are primarily transactional, based on the give and take of obligations fulfilled and tangible expectations met. You can have many such allies in your professional sphere, connected to you by little more than mild affinity and/or short-term common interest. Such people are favorably disposed to you, but if your interests don’t align you may find yourselves in opposition to one another. While these connections aren’t emotionally close, the good news is that they generally take little effort to maintain.
If you’re fortunate, you may also have many strong ties in your personal life with your family, friends, and others; in the professional sphere true friendships are relatively rare and especially prized. These connections are unconditional and long-lasting, characterized by trust, loyalty, emotional investment, and frequent interaction. They are the people who always have your back, every time, no matter what.
Whatever the makeup of your network, regardless of the mix of ties you enjoy, it serves your interests as a change agent to cultivate more intimacy with allies and friends. Doing so means allowing others to see more of your true self – how you feel and what you value – and investing energy to see your colleagues in that same way.
Author and coach Christina Haxton argues that the best leaders create what she calls “professional intimacy,” drawing people in through your presence, curiosity, and ability to communicate appropriately. Doing so encourages those around you to perform better and stick by your side, even when times are tough. Haxton proposes a three step process that includes cultivating your self-knowledge, curiosity about other people and their circumstances, and facilitating conversation about things that matter.
But yes, opening yourself up in a professional context can be scary, and establishing the right boundaries can be tricky. Revealing too much at work may be inappropriate, and can leave those around you feeling awkward and repelled. We all know that there are numerous things you can say and do with impunity among friends and family that will get you hauled in front of HR while at work.
While the anxiety is real, too many people over-compensate by withholding so much of themselves in the professional sphere that they project little or no humanity. In lieu of presenting their true feelings, values, and aspirations, they offer a thin cardboard version of themselves, sharing little more than vapid cheeriness and inane small talk.
When you do so, the people you deal with on a regular basis will rapidly sense the disconnect. You may be seen as pleasant and lively…but also cold, aloof, opaque, and unfeeling – a person who does the work, but doesn’t matter.
A surprising number of successful professionals with whom I work have told me they pride themselves on their habit of engaging colleagues with small talk – and nothing more. One gregarious manager of a large pharmaceutical company boasted that she always asks about her employees’ kids and pets; in the next breath she cautioned that she never shares details of her own life, and she gets impatient when they bring up deeper family issues. After a 360-degree feedback session, she was shocked to discover that most of her direct reports suspected that she didn’t really care about them as people, and they felt little loyalty to her or the company.
The lesson for change agents: Walling-off your true identity reduces your influence, which is the opposite of what serves your interests as a leader. That’s why it’s worth the effort to keep searching for the right balance of sharing and withholding with others. Building meaningful relationships is tricky business in the workplace, but it’s essential to find a way to connect deeply with those around you without crossing the line.
